mother, mom, mommy...whatever you call her

Question that definitely belongs in the "Off Topic:"
When do you become a grown up? When do you get do stand up to the woman who's known you from day 1 and say, "Love it or leave it, this is as good as it gets?"
Does anyone have a mom who doesn't want the apron strings cut? Anyone have a mom that thinks no matter how old you get, you're never going to grow up? And most importantly...what did you do?
It's a given that moms are notorious for guilting us all into about anything....and it's also a given that we can't live without them, and we love them.
Trying to help someone out. You're thoughts, experiences are appreciated.

Uh, I know very well what you're talking about.
I can see that at home, specially with my eldest brother, who lives with his girlfriend and his son... anytime he's around, my parents are like "do this that way", "no son, better the other way round", "what time did you get home last night?".... he's in his 30s, but to them, he's still a "baby". I am the youngest of three, aged 26. I remember when I moved to England for about a year... my parents came to visit me a few days at Easter. I was sharing a house with some other guys from all over the world and it was only me and a couple of Hindus that cooked in the kitchen. What did my parents said when they saw the cooker?? "Hey Jon, do you know how to turn it on?" - F**** me!!! Silly question of course, but I guess this one summarises the life of a parent and a child ;-) We'll never grow up for them!

thanks for sharing, Jon. Mother/son, and mother/daughter relationships are sooooo complicated. Daughters try so hard to please their moms, and sometimes it's just a futile effort. Understanding that gaining the acceptance of a parent is never going to happen is a tough realization....but by NO MEANS does it make you a bad person. Nor...does it make your parent a bad person. It just is. Well...dysfunctional is what it is...but we all have to survive some how. I just think there comes a time in some relationships where you might have to say, "Look, I'm sorry if I disappointed you. I did the best I could. I'm trying to be a good person. I hope you can love me for the person I am and support me in my decisions."
I don't know.
Oddly, found out today another complicated mother/son relationship that is tearing a marriage apart. I pray that I never come between my boys & their future wives!!! Ever!!!

I think a key to having a successful adult child/parent relationship is realizing that the parent did the best job they could raising their child, and then having the adult child actually act like an adult. The adult child needs to act like an adult, and know that their parent's thoughts and opinions of them are exactly that...thoughts and opinions. We can't control the thoughts and opinions of another person, we can only control how we react to those thoughts and opinions, then live our lives. If a parent is being overbearing and outspoken, it's our choice to decide how much influence we will let that person have in our lives. Does that make sense?

I'm fortunate to have a great relationship with both of my parents, and my in-laws for that matter. But, in all honesty, it's been a lot of hard work to get there, and a lot of mutual respect on everyone's part. Mistakes have been made, and more will be made in the future...but that's when grace needs to come into play, and forgiveness too. It's hard work, but so very worth it in the end.

Old enough to know better, and still too young to care.
hrg

Speaking as both a child and a parent, I couldn't agree more with HRG. My folks started treating me like an adult when I started acting like one...really what it took was for me to have kids of my own. My mom is still capable of the guilt trips, thats what moms do. I do it to my own kids. But an adult respectfully stands up to his parents because his new family is the more important. Deep down I think all parents know that, some just take a little longer comming to the conclusion. It's a cliche built on truth, she nags you because she loves you.

Gen 2 v 24 for reference

..yep I have to agree with Vic n HRG as well. Once I decided to get married and leave
the nest at 23 I was damned and determined to never go to my parents for help because I didnt want them to continue to think we had the same relationship. I respect them and want to let them voice their opinion (mostly because my wife's mother was killed in a car crash 1 yr after we got married and I've had to observe a woman "Grow" up without
a mother to share her life experiences with including our kids)
but they know I "own my sh$t".
My other siblings have done the opposite and thus are the ones always b$tching about how my parents are in their business.

This thread reminds me of a conversation I had with my wife a while back. Basically she said that if anything ever happened where we had to leave our house, she said we could move in with her parents for the meantime. I answered pretty fast that I would live in my car before that, but she could move back in with her paents. I know I couldn't face my in-laws if we ever got into that situation. They are defnitely good people, but I know I would feel pretty low putting their daughter in that situation.

I can't lie there have been situational jams that I've been in since leaving my mom's house where I took some help, but quickly paid it back when I had the money. I'm just happy that unlike my two older siblings, I haven't had to go back to living at my mom's nor have I had her help in buying my house or car, etc. I figured if I was ready enough to move out, I was ready enough to take on more. I was even finishing up school which I paid for my last series of classes out of my own pocket due to issues with the processing of my loan application, which never went through...less debt in the future now present I say! Plus, at that time I was also buying a car...so needless to say my savings account cushion took on a massive dent then to top it off I bought my house about six months after. No one ever said being an adult was going to be easy

i appreciate all your thoughts, and insights.
the more I think about my friend's situation it seems to be unfolding as a situation of "conditional" love as opposed to "unconditional" love. i've been trying to tell my friend to take a stand and inform her mom that "this is who I am, this is where I am" but it's easy to say when you're on the outside.

I think you are all right that there comes a time when you have to stand up for what you believe in, and cut the financial ties, which is the hardest part. You've all reassured me I feel like I'm giving the right advice.

enjay07 wrote:

i appreciate all your thoughts, and insights.
the more I think about my friend's situation it seems to be unfolding as a situation of "conditional" love as opposed to "unconditional" love. i've been trying to tell my friend to take a stand and inform her mom that "this is who I am, this is where I am" but it's easy to say when you're on the outside.

I think you are all right that there comes a time when you have to stand up for what you believe in, and cut the financial ties, which is the hardest part. You've all reassured me I feel like I'm giving the right advice.

sometimes the right advice is not the popular advice

Best wishes to your friend. Sometimes letting someone live their life and make their own mistakes is the hardest part of being a friend. We can offer advice, but we can't make them take it. But we can be there when the landing is hard, and offer a ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on. We pick up the pieces, kiss the boo-boos, and send them back out to try again. (sounds a lot like being a mom, doesn't it? )

Take care,
hrg

BTW, just a silly question, but...

When is the mother and father's day in UK or US??
I know they are different from the Spanish ones...

Father's Day - 16th March (Saint Joseph)
Mother's Day - 1st Sunday of May (except if it's the 1st of May, as it is the Day Of The Worker, which means, day off in Europe - consequently, postponed to the second)

Slim Jon Phantom wrote:

BTW, just a silly question, but...

When is the mother and father's day in UK or US??
I know they are different from the Spanish ones...

Father's Day - 16th March (Saint Joseph)
Mother's Day - 1st Sunday of May (except if it's the 1st of May, as it is the Day Of The Worker, which means, day off in Europe - consequently, postponed to the second)

Father's day is June 19
and
Mothers day is May 8th

Thanks Tavo!

One more question:
has the Mother's or Father's day to fall on a particular day, like here in Spain, the mother's day on the first Sunday of May except if it's May 1st??